I always thought I had a special knack for forgiveness. See, I am quick to forget many things, which is great; the old adage really applies to me, “forgive and forget.” My husband feels like he’s living out the Adam Sandler movie, 50 First Dates, where the girl has short-term memory loss, unable to remember him from the day before. For me, it’s great because you can tell me the same story, and I’ll think it’s the first time I’ve ever heard it. I’m always a captivated audience. It’s also great because I don’t harbor bad feelings for long. However, since we’ve moved to a house with more space and a yard for kids to play in, I find my life has been much more peaceful… and with peaceful surroundings, my mind has plenty of time to drudge up old forgotten stuff.
How my life has simplified: I am not running to parks to get exercise and playtime for kids; we have lots of kids and space to play at home. I get much better rest now that baby has her own room. I have convenient shopping and less traffic. I love it. I have more time in my day to devote to loving my children and less run around hectic stuff.
How my mind has picked up where my busy body left off: So my physical self is not running around, but now my mind is. I have time to study my favorite topics like quantum physics and practical spiritual applications. I have time to get all the laundry done, and since baby doesn’t talk yet, it’s sometimes only my own thoughts that I hear until big sister Anna gets home from school.
Beating myself up: What I drudged up were some things I’ve done in the past that I’m not proud of. A lot of it is dumb stuff that others may have long since forgotten anyhow. I am not looking to call up strangers in the phone book to hunt down that church family that I offended 20 years ago. I don’t even want to call my own family members that I may have hurt even just last year. I am not looking to pull up hurt feelings in others just to make myself feel better by clearing the air. I am trying to find peace with it though. It’s a heavy burden trying to be all love, all the time, knowing I’ve left a few scars in my wake.
What can I do about it? Now, on more than one occasion, I have asked the Spirit to take away these feelings, but alas, they still creep back in. I even tried to imagine some incidents playing out differently, sort of as a healing visualization tool. However, in the stillness tonight, I searched for answers. I wanted to know how I could move past these less than loving things I’ve done and really be done with them. I don’t believe I should have to carry guilt around all through my life, and I don’t believe that would be healthy. What came to me was profound. I can pray and bless those people. I can turn that negative into a positive. Praying for someone is a powerful tool that can work wonders. I benefit from the positive thought (see notes about The Secret), and they benefit with God’s blessings poured down from heaven. Win. Win. Taking action is so empowering.